blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
