i think i have two assholes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
