My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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