I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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