We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
