my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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