thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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