he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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