I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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