There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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