she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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