i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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