I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
