my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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