are you so shy because you have an std?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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