he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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