Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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