Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
