I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
