he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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