I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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