My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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