A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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