you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
