i think i have herpe
just one?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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