Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
