Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high