meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.