did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.