i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
