I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
