I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
