update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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