I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
