I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
