so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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