so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
