This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What drink are we having for lunch?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
