Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
