Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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