I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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