I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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