also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
