Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
