You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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