return my video game
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
