his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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