Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
