a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
