She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
soo... how was my night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
