just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm passing your future prison.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
