Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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