Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
