I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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