I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
