The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
a search helicopter?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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