Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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