just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
