i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
