just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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